A bit of extravagance

“Life can be so hard” is one of my mantras. Probably because as amazing as my life has felt,  there have been so many hard stories to hear and tell.  Some aches impossible to bear.  I’m thankful for many things today,  the journey and the way it’s being traveled, is becoming more authentic. In all it’s mess. In all my mess.  I was asked to choose an image that I resonated with, for a group I am attending.  From the collection of many different scenes, I chose a picture of a tunnel of trees with light shining on the far side. The light felt good, inviting, full of promise. On further inspection I was drawn to it for multiple reasons. The trees could feel comforting from the outside like a coming embrace.  My fear, my perspective was, is; you have to pass through the trees first.  Move through the darkness, with unexpected heaviness, and a fear of claustrophobic pressure.  Also hoping that it doesn’t turn into some scary never ending, Alice in wonderland type stretch.  I feel like I’m often entering the tunnel.  I hope to approach it with wonder and expectation knowing the light is coming, but far to often mine is one of fear and trepidation. Sadly, it’s often warranted, but the truth is I am not alone.

I tend to be a heart on my sleeve kind of girl. I have always felt a bit much for people. This feels scary so I have had a tendency towards morphing, editing really, to make my personality more palatable.  It’s always good to find my people, and tribes of people even. Where I don’t have to perform or wonder.  These people are often ones who can hear and hold the messiness, join and celebrate the journey and often remind me of the light at the end of the path and of my ever present travel partner.  

Australia has been a mixed bag for me, almost 7 years in and I have so many stories to tell. To remember for myself and for others who might be encouraged by them. I’d like to start journaling them.  It’s been a lifelong desire,  but with my scattered brain and handwriting that never feels consistent enough, I often resist. Just today I was looking for the perfect journal, of the best paper and the most inviting type of pen. But in the end, I pulled a page from a basic art paper pad grabbed an art line fine point .4, to just get started already!  I am in need of a download, so I can be yet again reminded of God‘s goodness in the chaos, because just as many humans like me I am very forgetful. 

If I can commit to writing some of the Australia memories down hopefully the others that hold space from my past will join them someday. I’m not the writer, not that Lee is either, he’s more of orator. but as I sat with my counselor I was aware that story for me is such a good source of healing.  Eventually, I will type and maybe edit, but as I learned about myself today I do a fair bit of editing myself.  I am happy to be reformed/transformed by the gospel, and growth is important part of my journey. But editing is different, I was made in the image of an all knowing and perfect Creator who did not make a mistake on me.  In editing my muchness, my too (two) muchness I am not trusting what was created. This is an interesting process in light of so much self actualization(def?)in the world today.  I pray it is different, it definitely lives in a different place in my heart. In my processing I pray it’s more of a knowing who I am instead of an erasing so that others will except me.

Everyday I’m learning lessons about myself.  I’m about to turn 50 and “it’s about time to work these things out,” I say.  I struggle to let myself be seen as an Artist. I currently have a very secret art exhibition hang with no credit fanfare or marketing. I saw this even more clearly while working out my new brand design.  In the past 5 to 6 years I’ve been processing who I am, as an artist, maker, encourager. It has been an up and down battle. At first I had a name a makers mark, and a wall (but that’s for another story,) I could hide behind. It always lacked finish and my fear and reluctance showed, keeping me from making real progress.  Both with my brand and as a paid artist.  Recently I decided to do a re-brand, going back to my name, deciding not to hide behind Studio Light House literally and figuratively, anymore. This was a big and scary decision. One I was ready for, but now I would need to choose things, make decisions. Not just randomly, but with intension, to represent me.  For anyone who has had the difficult task of working with me on tasks like this, is what I did know, is what I didn’t like. I would think that I resonated with some thing, and yet not like it at all when it came to my own brand. After multiple sessions and resources I began to feel discouraged, what do I know, who I am? do I have horrible taste? Is everything I have ever made horrible? I also know I’m a tiny bit of a control freak, so instead of being at risk to stress relationships. I did what every time poor artist should do, maybe not.  I found access to illustrator and taught myself.  Not completely from scratch, but for the life of me I can’t remember what or when I would’ve learned/taught myself. Which feels a bit scary, I’m not going to lie.  So I designed,  I made and created elements found a crazy font that feels like me and spent hours doing, and re-doing; after crash where I lost everything, that design.  Finally I got close and was reminded by a dear friend again to pull back to the basics. Edit. I went to work on that with all of the energy of a designer on Project Runway. I was also brought back to my young adult days when I wanted to express myself with jewelry and clothes, with advice from a Dallas socialite sorority coach, take one, (or more in my case) thing off before you leave.  It’s still rings as judgment in my ears before I leave the house. Edit. Your too much.  My heart and eyes are often drawn to a more maximilist aesthetic although, in reality I think it would feel quickly claustrophobic. Bright, busy, bold, All of the things, more is more! This crazy brain was putting in all of the time and all of the details possible into the impending branding but I knew an edit was needed, the good things, the solid things should stay.

The fun thing about this exercise of review for me was the pulling back it helped me to see an important element that I had missed. Space for a design decoration meant that I needed extra room for the “I” in Hinkle, so I needed to shift the letter down, when the element was removed an an upside down ’!’ had emerged.  To many that would be  just another adjustment to be made, but it caught my eye, I liked it. I didn’t think much of it until the next morning, I was writing a text and I found myself doing a regular ritual of editing my ’!’ .  I love to love life, bring joy and love strongly but in my effort to diminish my enthusiasm I type them out!!! and then in my fear I find myself peeling back and deleting them to not come across as too much… Yikes! How much do I do that, in my dress, my personality, my jewelry, my painting, my love and excitement with others. What a revelation, for me in one simple symbol revealed. 

I’m a person of faith and I look with expectation at life around me.  It’s been a big long season of personal trial but God is doing some big work on me right now. I am being reminded often of our creators extravagant care in big and small ways. So the upside down ‘!’ will remain in my brand to remind me of who I am, and how I am made to be.  A joy bringer, a deep feeler, a bit extra from time to time but that’s OK!  I’m learning to trust all of those pieces of me because I am deeply loved by many.   This helps me bring beauty, love well, travel the long dark roads to bring hope in the midst of grief.  It challenges me to make in the of deep spirit of abandon and tell stories that reflect all of those things. This is awesome, such release, but even more important for me is the goodness for which I was made. created, to reflect the character and lavish love of God. I can’t wait to see what the next part of the story is.  Even if it’s still in the heavy weight of the trees, with the light only in view.  To see the authentic raw and fully unbound Self the way God sees me.  I’m thankful to know a bit more about her today and excited to reveal myself and my new business branding soon!! In all my crazy glory😂